Chances are you have heard of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The 4 guys that show up and really bad things happen.
Drs. Julie and John Gottman, a husband-and-wife team of researchers have been studying relationships for many years and have collected thousands of hours of research on what makes relationships tick. Or not. Over time, they have been able to identify the same four characteristics, again and again, that have proven to be the most destructive that can come up, and that can cause disaster in a relationship. So, we call them the 4 Horsemen.
So just who are these nasty rascals?
The first is Criticism. When we refer to Criticism, it isn’t just a complaint. A complaint is something like , “I didn’t like that thing that happened” , or “I was bothered by thing that was said”. Criticism is when I attack someone’s personality or character so that they feel demeaned, assaulted, hurt, or rejected. The person becomes the problem.
The second horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness is not that uncommon, especially when we feel like we’re being blamed or accused or picked on. When I’m defensive I may respond with an excuse for my behavior, hoping the other party will “buy it” and leave me alone. Usually, that just doesn’t work. What often happens next is I start to shift the blame, and now YOU become the problem. “It’s not my fault, it’s your fault.” This often becomes an escalating game of hot potato, and the issue at hand goes unaddressed. When relationships are in danger, this horseman is almost always present.
The third is Stonewalling. Stonewalling is when one partner tunes out, turns off, and shuts down. I stop responding to my partner and I close off any interaction between us. Instead of dealing with whatever problem or issue that came up, I may turn away, find something to be busy with, and so forth. Ultimately, the things we need to work on tend to accumulate.
Now – I’ve saved the worst for last. The fourth Horseman we want to talk about is Contempt. When I communicate in this way, I am just being mean. I’m disrespectful. I may mock my partner, call them names, belittle and ridicule them, or I may roll my eyes and make other dismissive gestures. This horseman is by far the worst and is the greatest single predictor of the collapse of a relationship.
So, there you have it, the four characters that will damage a relationship, sometimes beyond repair. If you want to find out more about the Four Horsemen, and learn what to do about them, give me a call at Total Life Counseling. I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.
www.totallifecounselinginc.com
