Grief, Loss, & Mourning
Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.
Schopenhauer, 1788-1860
Grief and loss are weird and powerful travelling companions. They appear when we have experienced significant life-loss events. The death of someone we care about to be sure, but they also present themselves when, for example, a significant life event occurs such as a job loss, divorce, serious illness, incarceration, and many, many more. Before moving forward, let’s talk about some of the language that comes up in this conversation.
When we talk about grief, one way to look at it is as a set of intense responses, both psychological and physical that occur following a loss. Grief may show up as numbness, sadness, or even physical pain. This is a normal and adaptive response we experience.
The period of time we grieve following the death of a loved one is referred to as bereavement.
Mourning is how we refer to the expression of the feeling of grief. Grief, in this context, is an emotion, a feeling. Mourning is communication.
Grief is as unique and as different experience as there are people. Keep in mind that there are no right or wrong ways to experience grief. There are, however, healthy, and unhealthy ways to manage it.
One of the better-known ways to think about grief was developed by the late Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In her words, “The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance –are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one(s) we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we maybe feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” She was clear, though, that not everyone that grieves goes through all five stages, or that the process always proceeds in the same way.
As mentioned previously, grief can look different for everyone. But some experiences are less common. Cassie Jewell, LPC, LSATP, identifies several.
ABBREVIATED
Brief or shortened grief that passes on more quickly than anticipated or expected.
ANTICIPATORY
Grief that occurs prior to the eventual (anticipated) death of a loved one or other significant loss.
DELAYED
Grief that is postponed or suppressed. This may occur when a person ignores their grief to maintain control ("stay strong") for a period of time.
Example: A woman who mourns for the inevitable death of her husband who is living, but terminally ill.
Example: A man shattered by divorce, but who quickly bounces back and finds that he enjoys being single and dating different women.
Example: An individual who holds it all together in order to make necessary funeral arrangements but breaks down when there is nothing left to keep them busy.
PROLONGED
Lasting grief that leads to significant distress and impairment at work/school and/or in relationships.
DISENFRANCHISED
Grief that is minimized or taken less seriously by others (i.e., mourning the loss of mobility), leading to feelings of invalidation and loneliness.
TRAUMATIC
Intense grief in response to significant loss that's violent, sudden, and/or accidental, leading to increased distress and strong grief reactions.
INHIBITED
Internalized grief that is experienced without obvious signs of mourning in persons who attempt to suppress it indefinitely.
Example: A woman who doesn't acknowledge the devastation she feels after a miscarriage. She acts like it didn't happen, never speaking of it, but starts drinking a12-pack of beer and smoking a joint every night to numb her pain.
Example: An individual who grieves for their beloved dog but is told it's "just a dog" and to get a new puppy.
Example: A woman who experiences symptoms of both post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and grief after she witnesses her child getting hit and killed by a car.
Example: A man who continues to grieve for his deceased husband years after his death. He feels depressed most days and his performance at work has deteriorated significantly.
She also identifies several myths related to grief and grieving.
Myth #1: Grief progresses in linear stages.
Reality: While it's sometimes true that we progress through stages as we grieve, this is not always the case. Grief is a unique process and is experienced as such.
Myth #2: There are "right" and "wrong" ways to grieve.
Reality: There are many, many different ways to grieve. Grief experiences vary, and there isn't a single right or wrong way to grieve. However, there is a difference between normalor common grief and atypical grief. Also, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope.
Myth #3: Time heals all wounds.
Reality: Grief is not bound by the parameters of time; it changes but doesn't disappear. We adjust and carry on, but the grief (less raw now) remains as it becomes a part of us.
Myth #4: Everything happens for a reason.
Reality: This may be your personal belief, but it is not everyone's truth. Saying this to a person who is grieving, especially when the loss is senseless or particularly horrific, may undermine their grief.
Myth #5: "Don't cry, you need to be strong for [the deceased/your kids/mom, etc.]"
Reality: Not only do you not have to be "strong," the idea that mental "strength" is a measure of how well a person suppresses or ignores their emotions is false. If anything, it's more difficult to go through the process of grief and feel the pain. To share your suffering with another is to be human... and two humans together are stronger than one. Not allowing yourself to grieve is harmful, not strong.
In closing, grief is a normal and very human reaction to loss and it shouldn’t be impeded or interrupted. But at times it can be overwhelming; even insurmountable. Should you find yourself in need of help, don’t hesitate to seek the services of a trained counselor. Even in grief, there is help. There is hope. Don’t hesitate to contact us at Total Life Counseling, 540-989-1383. www.tlcincva.com